TW: mention of r*pe, addiction and death
Amanda, who appeared on the YouTube channel Soft White Underbelly to talk about her addiction, life as a sex worker and homelessness, passed away at aged 25 on Saturday 15th of May. For those of you who have heard of Soft White Underbelly you would know that the creator of the series, Mark Laita, interviews those forgotten and neglected in society, with many of his subjects being sex workers, drug addicts, pimps and homeless people. It gives a voice to the voiceless and uncovers many of the injustices marginalised people face, especially those living in Downtown Los Angeles where the interviews are based. I’ve found the majority of those interviewed have experience with trauma, the ‘gateway’ to drugs and addiction and hearing the stories of those living in such horrendous circumstances has allowed me to empathise and reflect on my own life. The interviews aren’t dramatized, made theatrical for the purpose of cinema or scripted, but rather they're candid and impromptu conversations about real struggles.
Amanda’s death came as a shock to the internet and those like myself who have been following her story closely for over a year. Amanda was in recovery, something she described as ‘different’ from being sober, but suddenly passed away at her treatment facility as a result of a TBI (traumatic brain injury) and the effects of her crack cocaine addiction. In the recent Soft White Underbelly video where Amanda’s death was shared, Lima, someone who worked closely with Amanda at the treatment centre, said ‘it is believed that, in combination with the physical damage caused by her long-term drug use, she passed away from the traumatic brain injuries (TBI’s) she sustained as a result of multiple violent rapes and beatings she endured as a young homeless woman living on the streets of Los Angeles’.
Amanda was a past sex worker and recovering crack cocaine addict who first shared her story in a December 2019 video, where she talked about being homeless on Los Angeles’ Skid Row. For those of you who don’t know, Skid Row is an area of Downtown LA which consists of the largest population of homeless people in America - about 4,000 to 8,000 homeless people. Amanda then appeared in a second video with a black eye and several missing teeth, which I later learnt was a result of beatings and abuse she suffered while living on Skid Row. In her final appearance on Soft White Underbelly, Amanda was reasonably healthy, happy and above all, immensely proud of herself and what she had achieved in the last 10 months. She spoke about being sober, no longer battling cravings and being in a scholarship programme with the treatment centre she was in. Lima spoke about Amanda’s progress in the last few months of her life, discussing how she was inspired by the staff at the treatment centre and wanted to become a certified medical assistant, she was in counselling, working to make amends with and reach out to her family and was sober for 10 or 11 months.
Although I only ‘knew’ Amanda through a screen on a YouTube series, I feel like I knew Amanda, her struggles and her dreams. I’ve known and loved someone like Amanda, someone who was dealt a bad hand in life but was doing all she could to recover and prosper. Someone who, despite the past and current struggles, was hopeful and optimistic about the future, what life can bring and what effects she had on the world. Amanda said ‘I want people to see that it takes time and effort’ to recover and this sentiment is painfully true. It does take time, strength and perseverance to drag yourself out of a dark place, put one foot forward and walk the road ahead. It does take effort to value yourself enough to want better, to want help and to want change. It does take time and effort to be on 'the other side'.
The other side is a place where the grass always seems greener but is daunting and terrifying just the same. The other side seems unreachable, untouchable and unattainable, but being faced with those on the other side is unavoidable. Especially with social media playing such a prominent role in all of our lives, we see what others are doing constantly. We see others living better lives, more productive, fruitful and purposeful lives. We’re forced to compare ourselves, teasing out every poor quality in ourselves and matching that to everything good in someone else, or what we perceive as good. It's like sitting at rock bottom, neck tilted up and eyes focused in on those in the far distance. Those on higher ground who are living care free, untainted by their trauma and undamaged by their past. It’s like peering over a locked gate, fingers gripping on the rusted steel as you look to the promised land in hope that one day you’ll enter. But the other side isn’t merely a utopia or paradise, it’s a place where no matter what life throws at you, you have the tools to fight on. It’s a place where being optimistic comes naturally and perseverance is second nature. Amanda had reached this other side; from living on the streets, hustling as a sex worker and being an addict, to being in ‘sober living’ and in recovery. I don’t know Amanda but I’ve seen the same struggle and I’m proud of what she did achieve.
I’ve spoken about Soft White Underbelly in a previous blog piece entitled ‘The therapy session I didn’t know I needed’ where I compared the character of Rue from Euphoria to Ronnie, a young heroin addict. In this piece, I spoke about the public stigma around addiction and addicts. Addicts are generally thought of as blemished by their addiction, labelled as weak and selfish and compromised by their addiction. They’re pushed to the peripheries of society and face a feeling of othering and shame, which creates barriers to, firstly the individual recognising their addiction problem and, secondly, accessing treatment. But if I’ve learnt anything from Soft White Underbelly it’s that nobody chooses this life.
Until we can admit to ourselves that any of us can easily end up in one of Mark’s interview chairs, we can’t start accepting marginalised people and demolishing the stigma of addiction.
People are failed, either by the system, authorities or their guardians and if anything, this lifestyle is forced upon them. Misusing substances and self medicating becomes a lifestyle that is incredibly difficult to get out of, and to look at the other side from rock bottom, it’s almost impossible to feel you can ever recover. But it is possible, something Mark from Soft White Underbelly stresses. He talks about how anything is possible and Amanda’s recovery is a prime example of that. She reached the other side, she experienced the good in life and her story will help others reach the other side too.
Rest in peace Amanda <3
If you enjoyed reading this piece, give this post a like and subscribe to Empathos blog
Helpful resources
Comments